Crayoning Myself Back

 Gayle Slaten

—Poetry and Photos by Gayle Lindsay Slaten, Tucson, AZ

DECADES

Out of sync with life


Her first decade was spent


As a 20-year-old


Caring for siblings


Mothering the brood


Making rules for others to uphold

Her second decade was spent


As a 40-year-old


Dear Abbey


Counseling her young peers


Peacemaker and


Overseer of others’ love lives

Her third decade was spent


As a 50-year-old


Settling into her duties


Gathering objects of others’ desires


Balabusta and chef


A welcoming hostess

Her fourth decade was spent

As a teenager


Breaking out of old confines


Trying out new lovers


Self-absorbed


Shirking responsibilities

Her fifth decade was spent


As an 80-year-old


Settled and safe


In the prison of life


Made small


Waiting for death

And now


In her sixth decade


Perhaps she can make up for lost time


Pursuing her fanciful dreams of childhood


Banging pots to create rhythms


Crayoning her life back to color

THE LAST TIME

When she woke up in the morning


She didn’t know that it would be the last time


She would be on that island of craziness


The last time she would ring the bell


And have deer line up on her driveway


For a handful of molasses-laced grain


The raccoons darting through their legs


To catch tidbits that dropped

She didn’t know it would be the last time


She would sip coffee on the porch


Gazing at the water that surrounded


What was once a small piece of paradise


With rocky beaches which hid


Tiny spiral shells and blue crabs


Geoduck clams and starfish that washed ashore

She didn’t know it would be the last time


She would see her beautiful greyhounds alive


Couldn’t imagine her husband taking the lives


Of the dogs he loved more than her

But, after she left, the craziness engulfed him


Making her return impossible...


Not that she would have come back


After experiencing the real world out there

She didn’t know it would be the first time


She could relax and be herself, to find herself


The first time that others would be kind to her


And listen to her point of view


She had no idea about the wonders that lay ahead


She only knew that now was her time


To explore her inner and outer worlds


To dive into freedom that this life offers every one of us


If we just make that momentary choice to


Listen to that inner voice and stay our own path

 

SHOREBIRD

I used to be a shorebird


Mesmerized by ebb and flow


Saltwater tides


Synching to my heartbeat


Slowly breathing in peace

I used to be a shorebird


Sandy toes sinking


Into warm beach


Gazing at western sunset


Breathing in nature’s energy

I used to be a shorebird


Finding tiny treasures


Amongst ropes of


Washed-ashore seaweed


Breath-catching beauty

I used to be a shorebird


Finding my place


In the world


When I felt all alone


Deep breath of life connection

Now I take flight


For the starkness


Of desert sunsets


Tall saguaro against the sky


Zen-like breath of coming home


...to myself...

MY FIRST HOME

I was 63 years old


The first time I slept by myself


In my first home all my own
Giddy with anticipation
A new life opened to me

From parents’ house


To marriage house


Others’ wants colored my life


Beige were the walls


Gray was my heart

I gathered the few things


I brought to my space


Set them all out


Discovered a theme


My preference became clear

I painted my walls


Turquoise and orange


Hand-me-down furniture


Became works of art


Tabletop and front door, purple

Multi-colored rugs


Silk, striped rainbow throw


On my 40-year-old flowered couch


Metal shaman and giant orange flower


Overlooking my drums and flutes

I wake up happy every morning


Vibrant colors enfolding me


Protecting me


Vibrating into creative energy


I am home at last


_____________________


CHAOS UNBROKEN

When in chaos
Be the eye of the storm
When overwhelmed
Breathe into your heart
Remember the unbroken chain of love
That surrounds you, enfolds you, protects you
When all is lost
Have tea and cookies
Gaze at sunsets
Beat a drum to your heart rhythm
Remember you can never be broken
You are whole
Find your inner light
And turn it up until you remember
You are a radiant being
You are perfectly imperfect
And the lessons are in that imperfection
Honor the chaos as your teacher
Sit with the overwhelm
Let go of what you think you lost
Make space for the next adventure

And embrace this life with joy

GRIEF, REVISITED

Grief is a funny bedfellow
Sneaking up when all is well
Long-lost memories reappear
As if happening again, now
Feeling that all is lost
Even while enjoying the good life
Turning the moment of bliss
Into a catch in my throat
Sharp jabs of unwelcome sensations
Dealt with and put away
But not released
Lest I forget
The lessons learned
From those dreadful times
Burned into physical maps
In my body
Holding pockets of grief
In my muscles, organs
And softly on my skin
To be reactivated
By the knowing touch
Of a competent masseuse
Holding tears and shame
Fear and indignance
Of victim-felt times,
Not in control of my life
Unable to think my way out
Giving-up times
When no other choices
Were apparent
The massage of today
Is meant to be peaceful
Relaxing
Releasing of tension
A tear trails down my face
Until I taste the saltiness
On my tongue
Bringing me back
To this time, this body
With gold nuggets of
My Truths
Which will find their way
Onto the page
Capturing my story
Releasing those knots
To be kept on paper
Burden lifted
I come back to today
Refreshed and ready

To write

 

 Gayle Slaten

FINALLY

I’m finally comfortable in my own skin
I think that’s because it is so loose now
I have room to move around in there
And, when I stretch, it has a lot of give

Why didn’t I think of getting a skin-size bigger, before?
Always worried what I looked like
Hiding the bulges beneath large tops
Wearing lots of black

Now, I’m comfortable in my skin
I look in the mirror and am pleased with the crepes
I always liked that texture before
But didn’t know it would go so well with my soul

_____________________

Today’s LittleNip:


The most important thing I can tell you about aging is this: If you really feel that you want to have an off-the-shoulder blouse and some big beads and thong sandals and a dirndl skirt and a magnolia in your hair, do it. Even if you're wrinkled.

—Maya Angelou

_____________________

Good morning and welcome to a new SnakePal, Gayle Slaten! Gayle Lindsay Slaten was the Poetry Editor for the online magazine, downtownLAlife.com, for three years until it ceased publication this spring. A former guest columnist for the monthly Key Peninsula News in Washington, she shares her writing to help others know that life can change in a moment, just by taking that one step. Gayle is a retired Marriage and Family Therapist and has a teaching credential in Special Education. She lives in Tucson, Arizona with her partner, where she enjoys drum circles, art, cooking, and writing. Her latest book, Self Portraits of a Runaway Wife: a healing journey told through poetry and prose, is available at smile.amazon.com/dp/B08C95PGJT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_dLEdFb405V4WG/.  Gayle says, “This book is about my journey back to Self, about waking up to life, and staying present long enough to experience the world in a new way.”

 Cover Art

Welcome to the Kitchen, Gayle, and don’t be a stranger!

In our area, Poetry Night in Davis presents Trina Drotar, Emily Wallis Hughes, and Jihyun Yun tonight on Zoom at 8pm at ucdavisdss.zoom.us/my/andyojones/. Info: www.facebook.com/events/2003215946481372/.

__________________________

—Medusa

 —Public Domain Photo Courtesy of Joseph Nolan, Stockton, CA

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