Toying With Hearts

Backyard
—Poems by Linda M. Crate, Meadville, PA
—Photos by Stacey Jaclyn Morgan, Fair Oaks, CA
 



disappearing act

i'm the crack on the wall
because even the
fly is noticed,
and as i move no one else makes
a response,
as if they couldn't care less
should i fall off the
face of the
earth—
i hear obnoxious laughter and whispered
stories and some obviously loud
drunk screaming something
that her friend is trying in vain to hush
her over,
and i wonder if there is a place for me
to disappear here;
push aside
the wall
pretend that i was never there
it's not as if they'll notice
they never do—
just a face without a name,
and those are never recalled in stories unless
of course there's some rich story to
accompany it;
but i am soft-spoken and quiet
especially when in the midst of cogs who know no better
than to simply turn.

________________

when we were friends

i remember
al's
going-away party
we were/are
still friends,
and there was cake to be had;
you wore his shoes
and he wore
yours—
i had vodka mixed with lime and a glass
of red wine,
and laughed entirely too hard at
nathan's joke;
and he apologized insisting he hadn't meant
to kill me or break me as my giggle-fit
made me breathe like someone
suffering from asthma as
i couldn't remember how to behave like a proper
human being—
but still you didn't tire of me
everyone just laughed
at my
laughter,
and i was wearing my purple rose earrings
hair pulled back;
admiring your beauty and strength and ability to throw
together a party when i don't think i could do
all that in a thousand years
my anxiety ever-present except when i was
with you.

 Iris

awkward throat punch

that rehearsal dinner was
awkward
considering both my ex and i
were in the wedding,
and the first thing i wanted to do upon
seeing him was throat punch
him;
i had to hide in the bathroom
endure it for the sake
of my friend,
the bride;
and sat at a different table
the entirety of the
party
until he was gone and i could breathe
again—
but not before
the well-meaning woman helping to
orchestrate the wedding tried
to make me walk back through the aisle
with my ex,
and even though sam lightened the mood
screaming “playa” playfully;
i could feel the cold dread in my veins
but that was righted before
he left—
i have never been so happy to see someone
leave before.

_________________

once i did love you

i loved you once
don't remember
it much any more
enjoy speaking of
my pain and your monstrosity
as some form of catharsis
that keeps me from
slipping beneath the indigo waves
of my deepest despair and the
black crescendo of my darkest, angriest
music;
there's a part of me that loves you still
i knew that when my heart leaped
into my throat when i saw you and i could not
think straight
simply ran into the bathroom for a moment's peace—
hearing your voice was enough to send me
flying into a rage,
and i couldn't fathom how we were going to get through
this wedding without some form of drama;
but we both survived
i cannot say that i was unscathed
as old feelings resurfaced that i had to smother
because you married another—
the very girl you cheated on me with.

 Homage to Mapplethorpe

i tried to save you

once i had a dream
you were going
to hell,
and i wanted so badly to save you;
because i still loved you
even when you shot that letter of stinging
words straight through my heart
so i reached out to you
for naught, for naught,
you never
replied—
and my despair turned to rage
because who would willingly choose the
flames?
but your heart is cold, distant, and detached
cold and empty of any emotion
i suppose when you cannot
feel it doesn't really matter where you go
because it all feels the same.

________________

one day you'll suffer 

my eyes
warned my mind to move,
but my legs felt slow
as if in some war
with me
to make me be braver than i
felt;
the flight won rather than the fight
because sometimes love is
war
especially when the man you love
is someone you knew never
cared
who is finding romance in the arms of another
he claimed completed him—
maybe it was cruel of me to laugh when
you were called a "playa" but it's
true,
and you should know toying with hearts is no
minor offense;
one day this regret i feel will be yours
as she tears away your heaven,
making it hell.

__________________

Today’s LittleNip:

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

—G.K. Chesterton

__________________

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 (Anonymous Quote and Photo)

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