Overpriced House Paint

—Poems by Kevin Jones, Elk Grove

—Illustrations by W. Heath Robinson

HOW I REALLY NEVER DID
GET ANY DEGREES IN CREATIVE
WRITING

If only you were
A little better
At it, they said, once
Per degree.

_______________________

HAVING GONE THROUGH
THREE MASTER’S ADVISORS
I GET A PROMISE FROM
THE FOURTH

The kindly old Zen poet
Leaned back and smiled.
“Kevin, I’ll sign your
Graduation papers.
I’ll sign anything.
Just promise to
Stop writing
This poetry crap.”
I promised.
I lied.

I TAKE THE LATE POET LAUREATE
OF NEW YORK STATE TO LUNCH

“What is this place?
How can you eat this stuff?
And what were you
Thinking going back
School at your
Age?  And this stuff
You write, you’ll never
Publish; you’ll never
Get a job.”
“I believe I’ve failed
To impress,"

I thought.  “And why
Am I staring into
An empty eye socket?”
I wondered.  “And why
Don’t his socks match,
And why am I buying
Lunch?”

The Fairy's Birthday

REJECTION I

Reader’s report:
He’s either too
Funny, or
Not funny enough.
Don’t publish him.

_________________________

REJECTION II

He (She? Can’t tell)
Doesn’t have cool
Poet initials.  Yes.
True: K.E.M. Jones
Sounds like a minor
And unreadable
Victorian novelist
With a laudanum
Habit, or else an
Overpriced house
Paint from Coast-
To-Coast Hardware.

Proxy

FAVORITE REJECTION SLIP

(Hand-written in Sharpie
On a Marine Corps recruiting
Brochure)  “Kevin,
We’d rather go out of
Business than publish
Any of your stuff.”

________________________

Today's LittleNip:

QUESTION FROM THE FACULTY
SEARCH COMMITTEE

“We see from your Vita
That you write poetry.
Could you characterize
Your oeuvre?”
“As a poet, I’m a pretty
Good bar band.”

_______________________

—Medusa, with thanks to Kevin Jones for today's whimsical poems about being a writer. In terms of cool rejections, though, I have him beat: I once received a rejection from a publisher I hadn't even submitted to. For more about W. Heath Robinson's illustrations (click on them once to enlarge them), go to poulwebb.blogspot.com/2010/10/heath-robinson.html/.
 

The Moon's First Voyage